True Feelings

I feel weird now. 

I've been trying to write this post for so long. 

But every time I try to write something, 

I'm always stuck. 

In the end, 

I stare at this page for so long, 

Too long. 

I just don't know...

I don't know how I really feel right now

I've never felt like this before

Its hard to describe how I feel

Bored? Disappointed? Hopeless?

No.. not those.

Its something bigger, deeper

But I just don't know what it is.

I just feel...

Lifeless. That's what it is.

I rarely find joy these days.

I used to be able to laugh

Laugh about anything, anytime

Yet, these days...

I feel so fake. 

Sometimes, its real, but its rare.

Rare..

I have a very rare life.

Its rare because I know

I'm very blessed

To have the people that are in my life now

To have the luxuries that others never had

To have the immense love and support

I'm truly blessed

These days, I find little things to look forward to

Very little things make me laugh genuinely

Life for me, was handed on a silver platter

And yet, I find it so hard to live

I feel like life is pushing me

Pushing me to the edge

A little bit more and I might fall

Fall... into nothingness

I always appear fine

I don't want anybody to worry

I try to hide

But my hiding place is not safe anymore

I find no solace in it

I know I have to open up

But after years of hiding

I don't know how

I don't know why I can't

And I'm scared

Scared to lose everything

Everything dear to me

But do not worry, everyone

I'll be fine

I just need to put this in writing

So I can reflect on it

When a similar thing happens.